Virginity and Peer Pressure, Women's Sexuality and Contraception | Article

It's Sex Week so it's time to bring up the taboos and stigmatisation surrounding sex, defining women's sexuality and what makes virginity a socialised concept.

Virginity is a social construct. It suggests the state of never having sexual intercourse. It is an innocence label. The stigma surrounding often becomes a feature to which how you’re likely to be seen by others – whether you’re part of the “cool” team or that you're unwanted and can't "get laid". Young adults are so absorbed in the idea of “having sex” because it’s what everyone else is doing too. Along with peer pressure and social media, sex is becoming more normalised to talk about. However when someone is still a virgin, it becomes a form of insult. It has affected our self-esteem because since everyone else has “lost it”, and they want to join in on the game too. For young adults and teens, it has become a competition to see who can have sex first. The taboo against having sex or not has become a way that defines you as a person and people who are still virgins tend to be more self-conscious in the way that they present themselves despite the fact that people cannot actually physically see or tell whether or not you have had sex before.

Our ways of wanting to fit in changes the ways we present ourselves because we want to be accepted by society and our peer groups. We change ourselves to become more attractive – the women wants to be chased, and the men? If you haven't had sex by 21, you're "late to the game" and you may not be able to join in the conversations because you're inexperienced. Moreover, it appear that some men and their peer groups don't often talk about sexual experiences, as it is not usually a topic to speak about it. Contrasting from young women who seem to be quite comfortable speaking about it with their friends.

But what sex really is – It’s making love. The idea that sex should be done with someone you love varies from person to person; sex may mean a lot to one person, but not so much to another. But what you shouldn’t do, is to force sex on someone without their consent because sex is between two people.

Oppositely, having multiple partners or those who have sex often are also often diminished and stigmatised. Women, in particular, who may have sex often or have more sex partners, are seen to be “dirty” or “sleeping around”. Women are slut-shamed, degrade and reduced to sexual objects. Women are often needing to uphold these values of definitive purity thus they are constantly degraded as a result of this norm – that they shouldn’t sleep around or have that many partners, that ultimately create a “loose vagina”. The vagina is a muscle and it contracts the pelvic muscles – it doesn’t become loose. Societal expectations of women’s sexual experience is more obscure and retract compared to men who have sex often or have more sexual partner. From a guy’s perspective, men are seen as keys and girls are like locks – if you can open a lot of locks, then you’re the master key, but if a woman can be unlocked by many keys, you’re a faulty lock . This analogy brings a lot of perspective for men and women and how they are perceived. Men are seen as more cool and other guys tend to look up on him because he is able to “get girls” and perceived as a stud. Men and women are subjected to two different things and it is unfair that women are seen as a “hoe” simply because she enjoys sexual pleasure.

The state is being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. Similarly, having plenty of sex and not having sex also does not define who you are. If you want to wait for marriage for sex, then wait for marriage. If you want to wait for the right person for sex, then wait for the right person. If you’re not ready for sex, then please don’t do it. This is very important because if you don’t feel safe or you’re scared to have sex, then you are clearly not ready. If it’s something you feel like you will regret then it’s best to wait it out. Just because everyone is having sex, doesn’t mean you have to as well. Go at your own pace and experiment with yourself. But you should always practice safe sex against any unwanted pregnancies, UTIs or STIs. A number of ways to go about it is:

1. Condoms – male and female

2. Oral Contraceptive Pill

3. Intra-Uterine Device (IUD) - hormonal and non-hormonal

4. Emergency “morning after” pill

An important tip is that you should always go to the bathroom after sex, as it prevents any UTIs (urinal tract infection) – which means bladder or urethra infection that often involves the kidney.

Out of interest, I interviewed a few people around university and asked them about their experiences about first time sex as well as their perspective about sexual pleasure and the stigma around it.

What was your first experience having sex?

o It was really painful, but luckily I’m with the right person so he made me feel comfortable – female, 21

o My first time hurt a little bit, had a little bit of trouble but the person who I was with made me feel comfortable – female, 20

o It was unexpected but it felt natural and comfortable – female, 20

o I can’t relate to this one as I haven’t had sex yet – male, 20

o I took it really slow, because the partner that I was with was scared and I respected her a lot. When it first happened, we didn’t really plan it, and for me it was special but I don’t really know how to describe it – it’s more than just a physical feeling for me so I felt really emotional about it too. It wasn’t what I had expected but it wasn’t at all bad and I enjoyed it too – male, 21

Did you feel any peer pressure to have sex just because your friends around are having sex?

o None whatsoever, I’m the last one of my group to lose her virginity! Took my own sweet time – female, 21

o No I didn’t feel any peer pressure from anybody. It kind of just happened – female, 20

o I was the first of my group to lose my virginity so there was no pressure - nor did I feel like I shouldn’t because my friends weren’t. Maturely I was ready – female, 20

o I’m the only one that has never lost it despite going home several times with girls after town and I’ve sort of become a meme in the group. My friends said that since I’ve kept it for so long I might as well die a virgin – Male, 20

o Guys never really talked about it so in that way, there wasn’t any peer pressure I guess – male, 21

Do you feel that girls and women tend to be demeaned and looked down upon simply because they have already lost their “virginity” much more compared to men?

o I do feel that women tend to get labelled more so then men do. Unfortunately, it does exist in the society we live in – female, 21

o Yes I do feel that women are looked down upon, it’s unfortunately the stigma of society that women should have lost their virginity by a certain age. Women shouldn’t feel pressured at all, as it is their choice – female, 20

o Not so much in losing their virginity, but if women have sex often with guys, they are demoralised far more than men. If both have had a lot of sex I’m guilty of thinking worse of the female than the male. Simply because the media that I read, women are presented as precious, emotional creatures, sot heir hyper-sexualisation seems wrong. But in countering this, mainstream media hyper-sexualises females so maybe if you were to ask someone else they wouldn’t have a problem with a female having a lot of sex – female, 20

o My sister dated a guy who leaked her nudes, and she went through a depressive state and was also slut-shamed. Guys don’t realise how much the “slut” label hurts some girls. Bragging about sex, flexing about nudes, talking about how good she is at oral sex shouldn’t be something that is flexed, even if she doesn’t find out about it. But it’s not the same for girls if the guys are good at sex and some guys don’t really understand that, well at least for the people that I know – Male, 20

o If they have a long-term relationship, I wouldn’t say they are looked down upon, it’s only in high school when you hear the rumours, you automatically think that the girl is a slut because she sleeps around – male, 21

Any tips or advice for those people who have not yet had sex yet?

o Just be calm and know that it gets way better. The first time tends to hurt

o For those who have not had sex yet, it is definitely okay to not have lost it yet. There is no rush, the time will happen when it is time. Do not succumb to the stigma of society. At the end of the day it is your choice not anyone’s idea of pressuring you – female, 20

o Don’t feel like you should because you are at or past the legal age of having sex. Losing your virginity should be a natural process and the universe will make it happen once you find someone who is worthy of you. “It’s a competition and you are the prize”. the only concern is finding a guy of high stature who deserves to take it, because you are that prize – female, 20

o Use protection, guys – male, 20

o “It’s more lower than you think” – male, 21

To finish it off - sex is an action to be taken with consent, at your own time, with the person(s) that you believe to be right. Consent is extremely important and practice safe sex at all times.

Sheuk-Yeeng Tan